Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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