i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
