I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
