I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my being single is dangerous.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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