im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am one with the molecules
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you. Go after that dick
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
