Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
