When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
