i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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