Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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