So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
