apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
