awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
