I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
