Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
