Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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