living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
