i barfeds in our rink
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Randomize
