not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dicks are not precious.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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