Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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