Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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