My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
