i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
