I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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