I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
