dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
