I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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