It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
