So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
