On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
