Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
