You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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