i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
