Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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