About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
