Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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