Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
