hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
