I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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