Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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