Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
