Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
