either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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