I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
