i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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