I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
