There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize