new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
