alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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