I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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