I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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