so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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