i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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