If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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