Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
