Im at strip club and am horny
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
