How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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