I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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