take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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