Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
