fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
