Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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