My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
