I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
