I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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