he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
